I just don’t even know anymore. I catch myself saying this often but I really don’t. I thought I was done with this. But right as I thought it was over it just comes creeping right back up. Not a single thing could even fix this anymore, I’m just mentally tired. I just need sleep but that won’t be happening anytime soon. Just someone get me my dad. Someone find a way to bring him back. I don’t want him I need him. I need a family that cares. I need someone to just stop this nightmare. I can’t handle it anymore
I turn 17 in less than an hour and I don’t even know how I feel about it. I don’t really care about it honestly. The only thing I want is a second chance. The only thing is even if I was given that chance would I take it? Would I ruin a friendship just to make myself feel better in the end? I know she thinks I probably only want sexual things out of her but that’s not what I want. I want the long nights alone where we can just hang out and not worry about anything. Someone please just talk to me. Set me straight before my depression really sets in again.
I usually love the beach and skimming but today is just awkward and out of place for me I want to walk away but I just don’t have the strength it’s been a couple months since I’ve cut myself but I’m about to just find some way to. If that makes any sense but I’m just done with spring break and life right now.
These last few months I’ve been doing pretty good I’ve been happy and I had no reason why. Now I know why and its gone. It was this girl she meant a lot to me and kinda always has, I really hope she was telling me about that guy to throw me off the trail because I literally got my whole world crashed down on me at 1 in the morning and didn’t even have the strength to text her back anymore. I wish I could sleep but that’s not going to happen for awhile. Even though I never knew why I was happy I now miss it to know I was finally getting over my depression. I wouldn’t be happy all the time but it was enough honestly.
As much as I want to just get over you I find myself thinking of you everyday. I wish you would have just told me no instead of saying maybe and then not answering my texts back. You put hope in me and even though I know it was false I still believed it. I just want you and I don’t know why. I keep trying everything to get you off my mind. I want you to know that you mean so much to me and it hurts me so much to know you will never feel the same way. I look at you and try to hide the hurt in my eyes but I feel as if you can still see through me and my shell. I just can’t go on like this. I need closure but I’m never going to get it. I’m just back to bottling things up and keeping to myself.
That I will never get you. That’s I will never be able to call you mine. I don’t even want to move anymore. I was hoping last night would help but it didn’t at all. I can’t even come up with the nerve to even text you anymore. I’m just gonna try and throw myself in my work or just lay in bed for the rest break. I honestly want to tell her how I feel right now or have someone do it for me but I don’t want to cause her any stress or problems I’m just gonna disappear from everyone for awhile. Even a day to remember’s new song isn’t helping nothing could but her and that will never happen…
Why I still talk to you I have no idea because I know you’re not interested in me but some small sliver of hope or something in me just keeps me going. I know you’re not reading this or ever will but you mean so much to me and I would just be so happy if you at least had the smallest interest in me.
Not to mention that if you really wanted me around you would’ve understood that I still need a guy best friend and that he apologized in person.